Animosity isn’t always obvious in friendships, but it can cause more damage than we may realize. Many people have been in a toxic friendship and didn’t know until they were too far in. There are numerous components to situations like these, but only because these push-and-pull relationships are so complex. Before understanding why your so-called friend is doing these things, you should know the signs of their hidden resentment. Some of the most common red flags are backhanded comments or compliments, competitiveness, and gossiping.
Backhand Compliments
Backhanded compliments are comments made that, at first, sound nice and given with good intent, but are condescending. It is an insult disguised as praise, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Toxic friends thrive on backhanded comments because they are a way to sneakily put you down. Examples can be, “You look so much better when you wear your hair like that,” or “I honestly didn’t think you would pass that test.” Most people don’t even realize that their friend just insulted them and when they do, they just brush it off.
Unhinged comments like these will leave your brain scattered and confused. It’s often hard to tell if the comment was made with bad intent or if it was genuinely a compliment. When you get a backhanded compliment, you will feel a shift in their tone or energy, which is often sarcasm. You may also have a gut feeling that it wasn’t a meaningful comment, but just a way to blindly put you down. These comments are said right under your nose, and you might not even realize it’s malicious intent. It’s important to take a second in the moment to process what your friend said and how they said it to understand the situation.
These comments are meant to make you question your worth or achievements and make them feel better about themselves. So, why would our “friends” want to undermine us? Unfortunately, it is typically out of jealousy or insecurity. People with low self-esteem will often want to bring you down to their level and compare their lives to yours. This is why it often happens in middle school, where people are still trying to find themselves.
Competition
Another common red flag, competition, is seen when your “friend” tries to one-up your success or copy everything you do. Toxic friends may feel the need to be competitive if the spotlight is on anyone but themselves. An example of a friend trying to compete with you can be when you say you’ve had such an exhausting day, and they immediately explain how their day was so much more exhausting than yours. A good friend would instead say something in relation that would make you feel better about the situation, as well as connect through a shared experience.
Additionally, copying everything you do can be another sign that that they are jealous and are actively competing against you. When your friend notices you are partaking in something, they suddenly are too; it’s like the saying “monkey see, monkey do.” They join the same activity as you and use you as a way to measure how much better they can be. However, it is important to know that there’s a difference between someone trying to use you as a measuring stick and someone taking inspiration from you and having healthy competition. You may wonder how competition can be healthy, but healthy competition can be seen in many forms. An example of healthy competition is pushing yourself and using each other as motivation. This is a healthy way to grow yourself and connect with your friend.
Gossip
The last, and most common, red flag is gossip. If a friend is gossiping about you behind your back to one of your friends or anyone in general, they most likely don’t have respect for your friendship. Talking behind your back is the easiest way for a toxic friend to put you down and make others perceive you as someone you are not. It is also the fakest thing someone can do. Especially if they act differently in public, but when doors are closed, it is like a switch has flipped.
Usually, when a person finds out someone who they felt was a friend actually thinks badly about them, it changes how they feel about themselves. It can cause inner uncertainty and doubt. It is insanely important to know and remember that their words are a reflection of their own jealousy, insecurity, and flaws.
How this affects you
All these red flags are problems in a friendship that may not seem like a big deal because they occur individually, but over time these underlying issues snowball until they take over your life. The constant criticism and drama can damage a person so much more than you realize. Relationships like these can leave you feeling confused and frustrated, but most importantly, mentally drained.
Emotional vampires suck the life out of us through ceaseless negativity, drama-seeking, and narcissistic behavior. At the end of the day, we need to take a look at our priorities and protect our peace by distancing ourselves.
What to do
Most people believe cutting someone off immediately is the best way to end a friendship, but it can sometimes make things worse. Cutting someone off can create unwanted tension and miscommunication, where you can’t receive full closure.
The best way to end a friendship is to talk to the person and try to understand each other’s perspectives. From there, you can decide if you and your friend should start going down your own paths. Another way to end a toxic friendship is to slowly reduce contact. This is an easier way to signal to your friend that things may not be working out, and give them the hint that you want to distance yourself. One last way is to set boundaries. This isn’t necessarily a way to end a friendship, but to better it. Setting your own boundaries can make sure they know what you will and will not tolerate from them. If they keep doing the same manipulative, toxic actions even after setting your boundaries, this is a sign to end the friendship.
You may be reading this article, and it all sounds so simple, but the truth is, leaving a harmful friend behind is easier said than done. It can be really scary, especially if you’ve depended on this person for a long time. Another valid fear is being alone, but it is important to realize that being in your own company is miles better than being with people who make you question yourself. Also, remember that there is always a rainbow after a storm, and you will find new and healthier relationships as long as you stay true to yourself. And when you do, it will feel like a breath of fresh air.
